Gaslighting

Writer’s Note: In this piece I use ableist language: “insane”, “was a nutter”, “crazy”. At the time, I did not know it was ableist language. I wouldn’t do it now but feel this is an important piece.

I am wearing a grey jumper, blue skivvy and red tartan pants. I sit in a power wheelchair with my speech device, next to a lectern in front of a white wall.

Transcript

Hi everyone

It's totally ok to laugh, laughter is an emotion and it doesn’t mean you are not taking me seriously. I laugh at serious things.

I was listening to the ‘Witch Please’ podcast and they were talking about how Harry Potter was called insane by the authorities. The Ministry of Magic and therefore the wizarding world did not want to believe that Voldemort had come back. Many of his classmates believed he was making stuff up to get attention or, quote, “was a nutter”. Harry felt he was going crazy because of this lack of belief. ‘Witch Please’ explains how this is a form of abuse.

A form of an unintentional abuse by many, saying that things are not true when they bloody well are,

and that this was called Gaslighting.

I thought O shit - that’s me.

My sanity is always being questioned by the general population and that leads to me questioning my own sanity.

This mainly comes out as people always assumed I am juvenile of mind.

That I can’t understand as much as them.

Then I heard someone else point out Gaslighting in regards to disability and I was going fuck I should have been confident in my convictions.

You see that’s what gaslighting does, it takes away your confidence. You end up questioning your own ability to make rational decisions.

I love being called ma’am because it means I’m finally getting some respect, but so often it isn’t the case.

So many people believe that it is OK to call me ‘she’ in front of me.

So many people believe that it is nice to call me ‘good girl’.

So many people believe that it is fine to pat me on the head.

Some people don’t believe that I’m in pain.

Some people don’t believe my time is important.

So many people believe that I’m just annoying.

So many people expected so little of me that they are amazed l can do anything at all.

So many people believe that I’m not trying hard enough

So many people don’t think of me at all.

I’m so tired of everything being so needlessly hard.

How many people have been forgotten about or how many people feel like nothing, or worse than nothing?

So many people are gaslighting me, sticks and stones may break my bones and words do hurt. They talk about me without really knowing me, putting me down in the most exasperating way possible, by being nice they think.

They make decisions for me that are the best for themselves. Infinitesimally small, but ultimately profound.

I used to think, why are the intellectually disabled lumped in with us physically disabled, I felt them all around me and everyone assuming I was one of them.

In some ways I guess I was one of the gaslighters.

I have seen gaslighting with my own eyes and ears making other people with a disability more disabled.

Yes even I have not been unscathed. The self doubt is huge,

It has been too much for me to hold.

I really miss speech, there is so much to say hlike:

Fuck off.

How dare you talk about me in the third person when I am right here. We are all taught that it is rude to talk about someone as if they’re not there. What is it about me that makes you forget this fundamental rule?

We use people’s names when they are present as a way of saying they are present.

So what are you saying to me?

Good Girl - O fuck, fuck, fuck.

what is opposite to good.

And who are you to bestow good or bad on anyone, you arrogant shit.

WOW - I thought I had a big ego.

O I’m a Girl am I?

But if I get angry they say you’re over reacting, you’re making something out of nothing.

You’re being rude.

Yet they are able to be so so angry.

All of this infantilism, sorry infants, makes me feel like I better give up the bunnies,

The ponies

The Unicorns

The fairies

The dinosaurs

The fun colourful clothes

Be more reserved

Present to the world a more adult person. Maybe it would be better.

But I doubt it would work.

And

Fuck off

I love these things.

Yes I have partly held on to them because the so called adult world didn’t see me,

but so what?!

Many other able bodied people like those things and have them.

I’m not going to Gaslight myself out of the things I shouldn’t have to.

You should take me for who I am.

Who I am.

I should be able to take me for who I am.

They assume that we the disabled are less than we are, so we are less than we potentially could be,

so they are right in the end.

This is Gaslighting.

Enjoy the rest of your afternoon.