I’m Still Feeling It

Trigger warning: I mention sexual and emotional abuse. I also talk about nice sexual themes.

I used to say I was bi.

Then someone kept saying I was greedy.

I was 34 years old and wasn’t, quote, “getting any”.

It used to hurt. 

I am 36 now.

I go by queer now.

Sometimes I wonder, if I have the right to call myself queer.

Am I just trying to be cool?

I wasn’t there on the yes day. 

I went to that big rainbow rally, and felt so alienated.

I didn’t have a good time growing up. 

It was a very, very free environment to be whatever you wanted to be, so free I got molested. 

But let us look at the fun stuff.

🥰 smiling face with 3 hearts.

The most sexy emoji ever.

love running around your body, tickling every part of you.

Like little fish.

Then.

🤤 drooling happy face.

The tickle, as it inevitably trickles, between my breasts.

I used to have dreams where I would play traditional male roles.  

A Knight.

I used to daydream about cat-calling someone.

Later I felt distressed about my predatory behaviour.

I also dreamt of being a princess.

But looking back now, I was dreaming about being a queen.

I have always loved, loved, androgyny.

I love it now when people look at me and think “what is it?”.

I mostly get “he”.

I have always felt like a woman.

I love the almost swear word it has become.

I demand it.

But I wonder if that matters anymore.

And fuck do I love to play with it.

I love men that faint.

The way women can move from legs standing together, to legs standing apart. 

I just melt. 

I love the body swap episode.

You know, that one every sci-fi series has.

Different people in different bodies.

Exploring all over again.

O yeah. 

Like some disabilities.

Mulder season four. He was going through hypnosis to visit his past lives. It was so tragic, but quite erotic when he said, 'they took my husband away'.

Ripley.

O, Ripley.

O, Helen. 

The Cat.

I want both, all in one.

For someone who doesn't believe in gender, 

my heart wants something to push against.

Misfits where Curtis, 

Impregnates himself.

Jon...

Sorry. 

but I'm having fun!

It's filling me with water.

Jets of water.

Drumming and thrumming.

To get in.

Or to get out.

Punching.

Crunching.

Munching.

Breaking through.

Smashing through panes of glass.

Brick.

Concrete.

Rock.

Time.

He he, time.

Flowing over me. 

Or hair.

Hair growing all over me.

Fur growing all over me.

Every bit of me is so soft.

Tingling as each strand is touched.

Glinting grey in the moonlight.

But who hasn't thought of that.

Breath so hot.

Then slipping, sliding. On a sheet of plastic.

Because of the Fur. 

The static builds and builds.

I imagine this smell, this heavenly smell.  This smell would lead me to a tree, and it would hold me in its branches, sedated and ultra satisfied. 

I would be covered in bark.

Raising me higher and higher.

Do I know what sex is?

Hot cross buns.

😋.

Toasted and yet so soft.

With chewy bits of fruit.

Dragon fucking me with their eggs, fucking them inside of me and then keeping me safe within their scales.

Silky and warm.

So lovely warmth.

Falling into goop.

Goop that sustains me.

Goop that stimulates every part of me and I flower over and over again.

In the inky blackness.

Ears.

Almost too sensitive. 

Or, I imagine there is a virus, rendering everyone infertile except us wheelchair users. Something about us not walking and everyone has to be super nice to us because we are the only ones who can have babies.

We want for nothing, as we are surrounded by people supporting us. 

Anything that makes me happy.

Queen ant.

Dom of all. 

Trust me to have access in my sexual fantasies.

Me sticking it into something.

Something like jelly.

Yay.

Or, Earth, 

worming down.

Worming down into me.